What Can I Wear to This Conference?

What should I wear to this conference

That will help me get a good job?

I want to look professional, I want to look respectable,

But I own more field pants than real pants

And most of my closet's quick-dry
Nothing in my closet says "take me into the field!"

Without also saying "I am a slob!"

Conferences are supposed to be professional

But that's only part of this job.

Problem Number Two: I'm a girl.

I'm short and I'm blonde: people don't expect much from me (they should)

Should I wear heels, or dye my hair?

Maybe they'd listen better if I was a brunette

Or wore a sports bra. 

Tits don't get tenure-track.

Makeup and colored nails are out, or are they in?

I want them to think I'm a grown-up woman. Well, ideally they'd think I was a man

Or a woman who was just like a man. 

But if I don't look good, will I be memorable? Will I be that girl

In the over-sized shirt (that hid her boobs)

And the baggy pants (that hid her ass)

Bland; lacking visible self-confidence.

Tailoring makes you look snappy, but I don't want a boyfriend or hookup, I just want a job.

Stare at my poster

Ask for my business card

I'm not here to be attractive

But

All my life "a good personality" has been a consolation prize

Ascribed those whose bodies left them seemingly without value.

It's hard to shake that off sometimes.

Can I just wear a burka?

Can I print my resume on a T-Shirt and wear it down to my knees?

Just dress in the ever-growing list of my accomplishments?

Maybe I should tattoo it on my arms.

Or write it on my ass, instead of "Miami" or "Hottie" or whatever those pants always come with.

Can we institute a conference uniform, where we're all the same except for our work?

(May I suggest burkas for all?)

Maybe I should get a powersuit. 

But I'll look like a kid playing dress-up with my baby face

(Maybe I could draw in some wrinkles? Or bags under my eyes?)

What about footwear: heels, boots, slippers -

should I clack when I walk and be tall when I talk?

Should I gird my legs in leather up to my calves, ankles, or knees?

Wait - if my shoes are too nice, will they think I can't hike?

What can I wear to this conference

That will help me get myself a job?

Clothing.

That's a good start.

But sadly not the end

Because presence is an art

So while men walk around in dirty jeans

And greasy comb-overs

And expect to be taken seriously 

By the sole virtue of experience

I will be judged on my shoes, and my nails, and my face

Long before you ask to see my CV.

Because I am a woman.

Aww, fuck it.

I'm from the Northwest
I'll wear the professional uniform of my people
And just impress the shit out of you anyway.